I used to fight myself. I hate myself for feeling. I used to fake, myself. I am fake. I used to listen to the negative ideas and words that I say to myself. I still listen to them, I just refuse to write them down. I am my own worst critic. I am my biggest hater. I smile about it. I fake smile about it. “I’m ok” I lied to myself again.
The world that I live in tells me to be tough. It tells me to be happy. It tells me to take and consume. So I tell myself these things as well, as to give me the best chance to believe them.
I live with darkness in my life, or so I believe it to be dark. I don’t really know any other life because, I am just me, I can only be me. For the longest time however, I couldn’t figure out why it was that I wanted to kill myself all the time and I wasn’t allowed to show it. Or, why it was that I felt so much darkness in my mind, but not allowed to express it. Or, why am I not allowed to show that I am scared? So.. So.. scared. And anxious… for no reason.
Our culture wants us to fit in to the mold of being an (North) American. Living for retirement. Going to college. Knowing our future. Planning our life. Fitting in. But not fitting into anything because we are told we’re to fat. I hate it; and I hated myself for it.
I went 22 years telling myself to toughen up, smarten up, listen up, straighten up. Telling myself that I’m ok. To repress all my guilt and all my shame to, in a sense, beat them down until they stop talking.
I do this thing with the little voices in my head that are trying to warn me, or tell me something. But I, for the sake of a good nights sleep. Repress the voices, feelings, guilt, shame, hurt, pain, memories into the depths of omy mind in hopes to forget about them and make them go away.
I do this daily.
I do this hourly.
I realized something. That my life didn’t need to be centered around my constant search for peace. It didn’t need to be centered around looking and appearing a certain level of living. My life didn’t even need to be centered around me at all.
I got to a point in my life that I hated myself for trying to follow what was seemingly normal to try and follow. What I thought was life. But it wasn’t until I told my self that “I’m not ok”, that I realized I could be.
It’s ok to not be ok, but it’s not ok to stay that way.
Acknowledging that we are human, that we feel emotion, that we have made mistakes we aren’t proud of. Saying to first ourselves and then to someone else that we aren’t ok, can be the biggest step to the biggest break through of our life.
I know it doesn’t seem like much of a task or very big of a deal, but we we start to be honest with ourselves our perspective of life can change. Our perspective of self can change. We can heal, and move on from the regret. That we can actually let go of past relationships or we can be free from anxieties.
That smile you fake everyday, you can keep faking it to others, but all we ask is that you admit to yourself that you are not ok, that you are actually hurting. Lying to yourself only digs us deeper into our holes.
It’s ok, to not be ok.
Hashtag Hope is made up of people who acknowledge that they are hurting, that they have made mistakes, and that they need some form of help. A lot of us have been freed by the redemption and grace found from the love of God. We all live day to day, walking hand in hand with those we love and those who help us in our journeys. – We aren’t here to say that you are wrong for being broken or need helping, we are actually here to say that you are human and allowed to be broken and hurting. Because, we feel that that is where healing and growth can be found. We believe that through being honest with each other about what we are going through, then we can truly come to find peace with them, and grow.
We believe in you and your story.
It’s hard to believe that people used to pour out all they had on hands a knees just so I could write this post on the internet.
I am so ungrateful.
So, let us observe this gentlemen here.
At first glance, we see he is playing an accordion on a bridge. – This photo was taken May 29, 2013 in Paris, Somewhere near Notre Dame. So it is a very well tourist populated area, loaded with street performers and beggars.
Now that we have our pre-stereotype-label-homeless-poor-old-guy image in our head we will take a look a little deeper at this photo.
While walking to find a coffee shop that would give us a free glass of water (impossible to find in Paris) we crossed this bridge. – If you have been reading my other posts or following this blog you will, again, know I was trying to push myself out of my photography comfort zone and point the lens at people on the street. –
I spotted this man from a distance and started to brainstorm how I was going to…
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So, while footloose in Paris. I made the effort to step out of my photography comfort zone and intentionally take some pictures of people. – This was the first photo of that effort. – This guy just screams character and some form of story to tell. – He was sitting on this window ledge and sketching Le/La “BibliothèqueMazarine“. This is located directly across the river from the Louvre, as well the “Lock Love Bridge”. (or what ever it’s called)-
Come to think of it, This guy could have been one of those street painters who sold their quite impressive art work around these parts of Paris. But, I’m not sure, this guy just seemed way to relaxed to be one of those high strung street hustlers.
I think my whole life, I’ve just wanted someone to Interview me.
Maybe that’s just a side effect from wanting my entire life to be a Documentary.
Can’t be known really.
In this blog write-up, I will be posting photos that were taken during my time in the cities of Newmarket and also Toronto while out with my friends in Texas In July.
We arrived at the venue in Newmarket at about 3 p.m. which was about an hour or so before load-in. The guys in Texas In July always seem to be on schedule (at least while I am out with them, haha), or it’s maybe because if they weren’t, Jimmy would kick their butts into gear and tell them to get a move on. Before this show, I had never been to Newmarket before. Newmarket is a small city just outside of Toronto in the Greater Toronto Area or GTA. The venue the guys were playing at was just a small legion hall called the Royal Canadian Legion. Because of the way it was set up…
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Empty hands and Heavy Hearts – Close Your Eyes
Still I can’t help but question what will become of me
If this darkness is all I see
Is this darkness all I can be?
Truly we have found my darkest days
and we are forced to live with my mistakes
but with every passing moment this darkness is overtaking me
With empty hands I’m reaching out is there any hope left for me?
It is your hands that carried me
It is your voice that spoke of a love I never knew
It is your grace that fills me
It is your love that sustains if there is hope it is you.
Today my little sister lived her dream by competing at the 2012 Olympic games in London. She lead the team to Team Finals. And qualified for All Around finals in 18th place. – after the comp Justin Bieber tweeted and followed her. Completing her teenage dream. – Can I safely say that this is the best day of her life?
I run parallel to success.
Equal to it, but never to touch.
I stride in its shadow.
But hide in its haze.
I will most like always remain in this position.
Unlike most others say I will.
I am not ashamed of my location,
more just unmotivated by it.
“Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn’t people feel as free to sing for whatever sun light remains to them?” – Mrs R Kennedy
A Picture I took of my most favorite place in the world. – Canoe Lake, Algonquin Park, Ontario Canada.
I will paint the world someday.